Oh god.

Boy 4.

I really like you.

It’s a problem.

So, you clicked on me first, Boy 4, and you chose one of the funny pictures on my profile rather than one of my attempts at seduction. I accepted your click, and so we were matched. Then you asked me how my week was. This all happened almost immediately which is always serendipitous. If someone clicks you, and you click them right back, and you both just happen to be fucking around on Hinge, it’s great because the little I-like-your-picture-and-you-like-mine pheromones are still tingling!

You just had a birthday/adult bar mitzvah which is super adorable. We discussed bar/bat mitzvah themes. Mine was fairy-tale. As a feminist, all I can say in hindsight is… kill me now. Yours was film-themed. We discussed the troubling bits of The Little Mermaid… good god, woman… speaking of Hinge… how on earth (or on the sea) can you give up your voice if you hope to seduce a man? Bad deal. I had mentioned my show, and then I asked you about your job as a public defender for a company that I had actually recently learned about from Boy 2, incidentally. Dating is learning, people. Also, dating is learning people. Also, punctuation is important. But I digress. Then you tease me for knowing the specifics of your job because that would have required a google search! Which I hadn’t (yet)! I protest, “I haven’t googled you… yet,” and you answer in the best way that you’ve already googled me and make specific mention of a video you found that made you laugh. Hot tip for any guy who wants to literally do anything with me: say I’m funny. That works even better than saying I’m pretty. Infinitely better, actually. So I promptly googled you, and you have a video up. This is rare. Most non-artists don’t have video up. I explain to you how wonderful this is, and you explain to me that the other guy in the video talked shit about #metoo, so now I really like you even more. You then compliment my work in detail, mentioning Mike Birbiglia and Philip Roth. We’re off to the races, Boy 4. Now we’re discussing Goodbye, Columbus, and you’re recommending American Pastoral.

So even though Boy 2 had alerted me about not dropping my number so easily, I can’t help myself. I say “hey ########### if that’s easier than this delightful app.” And you text immediately! Saying that you were about to do the same… I mean. Swoon.

The texting continues briefly, and then you’re off to bed ’cause you’re a “square” who has to be up early. However, the next day, you’re sick! So, you’re just texting me things from your sickbed. Asking about the neighborhood I live in. Talking to me about the movies you like. One more day goes by, and you cut right to the chase… “So when are we gonna meet up?”

The days in the future that I offer don’t work, and after some back and forth, you say, could I convince you to get a coffee like now… basically? Because you’re sick and have AM availability you don’t normally have. And for some reason I say yes, put on a denim skirt and some earrings and head to your neighborhood deli for a morning coffee date before you go back to napping, and I go to a doctor’s appointment.

I’m early because of magical train timing, and you rap on the glass when you get there ’cause you recognize me. Good.

Boy 4, you are cuter than your pictures. I am immediately attracted.

Maybe you are nervous or sick, I’m not sure. But when you first speak, your voice is higher than in the video I saw, but then it settles.

You get a coffee; I already have mine. You ask about the book I’m reading… Another Country. You talk compellingly about your job. We discuss the intricacies and complexities. You tell me about annoying clients. It’s funny. You ask me about what I do, and you engage with it. We get into questions of Jewish day schools (how did we both end up at them? Despite not being super-Jews) and the SAT scandal (are some kids inherently smarter? I don’t believe so) and also documentaries like Going Clear (objectivity and rigor vs. a flashy expose) and even come round to Bojack Horseman (which we both agree is one of the best written shows of all time). Honestly, I’m having trouble remembering the exact subjects of conversation because it just, you know, flowed. You also sort of put your feet on my chair. You are tall, so maybe that’s why, and you never touch me, but your body language is quite… directional? Not in a player way, but in a sort of geeky, tall human way. Although sometimes those geeks are playing the biggest games SO WHAT DO I KNOW. I had to check the clock to make sure I wasn’t late to the doctor, and I was already late. You walked me to the subway, wished me luck, and said we should get together when we’re “weller.” Weller? You go, yeah, I think I said weller? Anyway! Awkward first date hug.

Boy 4, I want to thank you.

1. Well, I guess that’s how it feels to be instantly attracted to someone. Excellent conversation, and I already really want to kiss you.
2. Way to care. WAY TO CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU DO. I fucking love it.
3. I have nothing to say. I want to see you again. I am wondering if you will text me tomorrow.
4. Did I mention I like you? Thanks for being likeable.

Boy 4, I would go on another date with you. I would see a morning movie with you and sneak in snacks. I would build an IKEA dresser with you. I want to know the inside of your mouth.

UPDATE: You text me. I die.

Boy 4, you currently hold the record for quickest text message turnaround. You text me that afternoon (so about four hours later), following up about my doctor’s appointment. We sort of spend the rest of the day intermittently texting about what you’re doing sick… and then when I mentioned that I signed up for Hinge recently, you ask me about my relationship history basically. I sort of give you shit for texting a question that should be asked in person; you apologize that you didn’t mean to pry. So, I give a brief answer, and you give a long answer, sharing that you’ve been a serial monogamist for a long time. #metoo, Boy 4, #metoo. We commiserate. I mention that I didn’t want to keep dating in my community either, and you say, oh, so it’s not a con that I’m not a thespian? And I say on the contrary! Active plus! It’s sexy! I ask the reciprocal question, and you say my being an artist is a turn-on.

And then you say you’ve never dated an artist and that your stereotype is that they’re sexually liberated. True or false?

Now I’m walking into a show when you text this, so I don’t see it. In the lull, you follow up with an apology if that sounded pervy.

Hmmmm… how do I answer this question, Boy 4? (<— I literally said that as the preamble to my response). I don’t think you’re pervy though suddenly, maybe I’m feeling a touch fetishized? Although I did use the word “sexy,” so I suppose I’m the one who opened us up to more graphic conversation? So, I use humor. I explain that I have no point of comparison to lawyer sex (de jure or de facto, haha) and that artists span the spectrum… you agree and say so do lawyers (and that you are also sexually liberated). So I counter and say I think really passionate and creative people are the best lays, regardless of profession. You also asked me how the show I saw was. So, we’re not solely having a veiled styles of sex conversation. But mostly we’re having a veiled styles of sex conversations. You agree with my assessment of lays and claim that actors are just more “expressive.”

And then you text:

Maybe we’ll both have the opportunity to find out the public defenders vs actor question one day.

(followed by that dorky emoji who’s smiling like a little ass with the black boxy glasses on)

I basically can’t breathe at this point.

So I text…

I’m doing my show soon, but damn who’s being expressive now?

Not so square.

You haha, make an innocent Jewish boy joke, and wish me luck with the show. I’m invested, Boy 4, so of course I’m over-analyzing now…. So, I’m confused by the sudden foray into past relationships and sex… is this meant to indicate short- or long-term interest? Readers, feel free to weigh in.

Boy 4, you get a second round of gratitude because this all happened so fast.

1. Thank you for leaning in and scheduling quickly! Efficient. I like it.
2. Now all the text message banter feels so earned. Thank you for earning it by meeting up because now I can neurose and dissect your text messages in the typical infatuated fashion.