Boy 12: Shidduch

So what is shidduch, you ask?

It is an arranged Jewish marriage.

Obviously this was not a shidduch date, but there was something shtetl-y about it. You have a very Jewish name, and so do I. We have had to reschedule many times due to our various commitments and Passover plans.

You are a novelist. So you are googleable.

I read your writing, and it is excellent. Excellent to the point of intimidation. I am suddenly wondering about my intellectual credentials… can I hack it? We text, but I think because we both use words in our art, we write cautiously, maybe even suspiciously and with wide open spaces. But the chemistry, albeit digital, is pretty immediate.

We both hate raisins in anything–fuck oatmeal raisin cookies, really fuck them–and we both have sordid histories with the chosen people. You are fascinated by my name (which I can’t disclose here) which let’s just say, if you speak Yiddish, is a deeply classical and tribal name amongst Yids. We talk a little about our process and promotion, and I use my usual quip…

“Well, I start with a neurotic lazzo, and then I settle: if I could explain my play to you in two sentences, why should you stay for ninety minutes?”

You say then that you have never heard anyone use the word “lazzo” before.

Match point.

You ask me to dinner.

I can’t make it, obviously, ’cause I’m busy that night.

So, weeks later, punctuated by occasional check-ins, we meet. We’ve bantered about what makes a pastry a pastry, my somewhat famous colleagues on the road while I travel for work, parents who hoard and steal food and flatware, and whether or not the Holocaust can or should dominate Jewish art.

We walk in almost at the exact same time to a s’mores bar that you chose. You order dinner, so I do, too. You get a drink, and so do I. We also got dessert.

We talk about many things…

Your book (which you fully explain, and I love it). Your family. The fact that you have set a Jewish filter on Hinge (which I poke at as being somewhat racist, and you admit to having seen non-Jews). My career (which you have googled and ask me outright that I do seem “successful” but am I really? And I respond outright that this a preposterous question that you would only feel comfortable asking an artist but that yes, I am happy, and that you are in trouble for asking). Your siblings. My siblings. My dealbreaker (see Boy 9). Destiny. Randomness. Falling out with God. Long random story about my brother-in-law and your friend Anna at work whom you flustered. Bilingualism. My food phobias (which are intense and intricate). Your insistence that writing is, indeed, ephemeral when I explain that I prefer it to the other art I make that is less so. My counterpoint that you only think so because you haven’t experienced interpretive arts.

You’re softer than you are via text. You know how to live in the romantic spaces between words when you’re writing, but in the flesh, you’re clearer. Still playing the game but with skin.

I make you laugh several times. You’re very beautiful when you laugh.

You also told me a family secret. That was fun.

We almost get into my relationship history which I swat away–I say, nope, I don’t want to talk about that right now. You like that I do that.

I wonder, Boy 12, are you like me? Do I come off like you? You’re a little slippery in your loveliness. I feel like creators are constantly flipping a coin of narcissism and self-loathing… I like you, but I suspect you… and I’m not sure of what exactly. And I wonder if you’re feeling the same strange thing?

Towards the very end when I go to get the check, you say, “I think I’ve met you before.”

I say I doubt it. And you clarify, no, no, not like properly. Just briefly, somehow.

Hmm.

I’m leaving for a work trip for ten days, and it’s drizzling outside. You’re going right, and I’m going left, I say. You button your coat, and you open your umbrella, and you confirm that I’m gone till May? And then say let’s do this again?

It takes all of my energy to do what I do next.

I shrug, and I say, “Sure.”

I turn around and start walking.

That was hard, guys. Pretending to be cool… very hard.

So, thank you:

For not texting too much.
For actually following through on a date weeks later.
For sharing your art with me.
For some Jewish commiseration.
For just doing you. Even when that you is a little arrogant. Or maybe I’m just craving your fears right now.

Boy 12, there’s something fated here? I know that sounds weird to say, but it’s genuinely how I felt. And I also felt like I might never see you again. It’s hard to know the difference. Desire and dismissal are tricky twins sometimes.

UPDATE: You text me the next day. You had a lot of fun you say. We have texted in the meanwhile, and the fields are vast and open. Let’s see what happens when I get back. This romantic flower, if it blooms, is an orchid. Minimal, persistent, sexy. Tall and thoughtful. Maybe a little full of itself. Orchids seem to know that they’re orchids.

Boy 10: Renewed (Artist) Card

Boy 10, you are also an artist.

This is tough. I am suspicious.

You clicked me–you didn’t engage with the traditional Harry Potter icebreaker. You went with The West Wing. I think maybe that’s how you caught me off-guard ’cause I’m actively trying to avoid artists. It’s not a dealbreaker; it’s just a preference.

I insist that if we are both artists we must know each other. I do some stalking, and we do have a few friends in common, but the connections are pretty peripheral. You say you’ve never (to your knowledge lol) dated or slept with an artist… I drop my number like a true traitor to my kind.

I ask you to send me some of your work… am I the only person who can’t imagine getting involved with someone whose work I don’t respect? I like your work. I tell you so! Several Passover/Easter and musical jokes later… we settle on a date and time.

I’m a big fan of CAPS LOCK in my texting persona. I think it pretty accurately reflects my general exuberance. You are also only the second person I’ve encountered digitally who uses what I call the Emily Dickinson Capital Letters for Emphasis–not all the time, but strategically and well. It’s sexy.

And, here, Dear Readers, is The Sexiest Part: because we are both artists, we were able to meet up during the day! We decided on a stroll in Washington Square Park ’cause it turns out neither of us drinks coffee.

It gets better.

You say that you have to return your library books at some point. Would I be interested in accompanying you? Boy, would I. We stroll to the library and talk about what you just read. Turns out we went to a branch that is closed for renovation. You realize you knew that and lead us to another branch. A man who knows not one, but two, local library branches. Be Still, My Heart.

I ask you about your work. It’s shorter form. You ask me about mine. It’s longer form. We talk about identity politics in art… is an artist meant to work with what they know? With their own experiences? Or is there something to the outsider looking in? Providing a new perspective with aesthetic distance? In fact, you are very interested in writing about people you virulently disagree with. While processing your own privilege.

I tell you about some young aspiring artists I know who ask me for coffee and advice. I am reluctant to provide it (imposter syndrome), but I wish someone had provided me with guidance of any kind… so I do. And one young actor asked me once: “Isn’t it easier for female actors because they have their beauty?” And I took him to town. No, no, it’s not. In fact, the attention paid to their beauty (which is inherently fleeting) is a huge and horrible bottleneck in the industry that prioritizes and fetishizes women’s bone structures instead of their abilities.

You agree.

But you also provide a caveat; you say, “Maybe he was trying to compliment you on your aesthetics in a roundabout way.” Boy 10, are you complimenting my aesthetics in a roundabout way?

You walk me all the way to work.

I want to thank you:

You assured me that you’re not one to hold grudges, so should we ever encounter each other artistically, it’s ok. This is sweet, transparent and kind.
You’re a real creator. You inhale and surround yourself with literature and inspiration. You exhale and make work that you’re proud of and that reflects the questions you have about the world.
I renewed my library card while you returned your books. So productive.
You can meet during the day. Not a small deal. You, like me, do not have to stay on Muggle 9-5 hours. We are the magic makers with dumb/awesome schedules. Oh, that reminds me… Ode by Arthur O’Shaughnessy… Bolding mine. Not the author’s.

“We are the music makers,
    And we are the dreamers of dreams,
Wandering by lone sea-breakers,
    And sitting by desolate streams; —
World-losers and world-forsakers,
    On whom the pale moon gleams:
Yet we are the movers and shakers
   Of the world for ever, it seems.”

Boy 10, goddamnit. I would totally go on another date with you. Yeesh. Artists, amirite?

UPDATE: You text me that afternoon to let me know that “despite or maybe because of” our artistic professions, you had a great time. We should meet again. Second date scheduled.

Boy 7: Quantum entanglement, black holes and other metonyms.

So, sometimes Hinge tries to play Yenta.

It sends a profile to me with a little note, insisting that we’re compatible.

I’m open-minded. I’ll play.

Boy 7, you are a theoretical physicist. You went to MIT. You play musical instruments. Hmm.

I start small. I message you about ukuleles.

My ukulele has been staring at me forlornly for months. I have been amateur-four-chord-playing guitar for a few years now, but once I hit the bar chords, my very small hands were offended. They can barely get around the neck of the guitar! Now I have to play bar chords!? So I Amazon-ed a ukulele. It’s smaller, I thought. After it arrived, I picked it up and was appalled that I could not play it. I can see the Onion headline now: WHITE GIRL WITH BANGS GENUINELY SURPRISED AND UPSET WHEN SHE DOESN’T INSTANTLY KNOW HOW TO PLAY UKULELE.

You explain that the ukulele is not that far from a guitar. Then you ask about Harry Potter. Easy nerd icebreaker strikes again. I’m tired of making “I do actual magic” jokes, I deflect and say it’s just meant to communicate what a dork I was and continue to be. And you say you can give me a run for my money there.

And you do.

(Please note: number not yet dropped.)

I ask you about artificial intelligence. You answer and distinguish it from general intelligence, settling on it’s a “quantitative way of studying what intelligence is” but that your background in theoretical physics may be warping your perspective. Then you make a meta-joke about one of my photos. At this point, I must meet you. I don’t care if we never speak again. Good god, I want nothing more than to sit down with a young theoretical physicist and to talk about what intelligence is.

I’ve been fascinated by this question forever. And I sort of write a small paragraph to you about this, starting with the disclaimer that, yes, I have a science degree but that my background is not nearly as rigorous as yours.

Basically, I have never believed in “talent” or in “intelligence.” I think they’re constructs. Meant to perpetuate semi-libertarian myths that are just misguided and misleading applications of the fundamental attribution error. Basically, talent and intelligence are just unconscious accumulations of environmental advantages and small, nurtured predispositions that we confuse with nature. Moreover, it doesn’t behoove me to believe in inherent talent or intelligence, does it? That would only encourage me to work less, wouldn’t it? And to rest on my genetic magical laurels?

I keep coming back to Miles Davis: “Man, sometimes it takes a long time to sound like yourself.” Yes. Because we’re born blank and strange and become something in opposition to and in love with everything and everyone around us. And then, yeah, it takes a fucking long time to figure out what stuck and how to sound like yourself. And usually, at the end of that shitty battle, people see you. And they might think you’re talented or intelligent. But mostly, they’re just responding to the fact that you’ve finally managed to be made by all the things that unmade you.

So, it doesn’t make any sense for me to believe in talent or intelligence. Same argument Voltaire made about believing in God, actually. It just makes sense for me to keep working.

Not that I always make sense.

Speaking of. I’ve been told over and over again, by my family, my significant others, my community, that I am wrong. About all of this. So, I’ve started to accept caveats to my worldview, e.g. the relevance of physical advantages. Certain voices sound a certain way and lend themselves to certain circumstances. And then the questions of brains and neurons come in… maybe there’s a question of processing speed. Do some process faster than others? As a fast talker, I wonder about this… This is all to say, the only arguments I’m willing to entertain on the questions of “talent” and “intelligence” and their provenances would be a scientific ones ’cause that’s how we roll over here.

I mention that one of my pieces of art uses a famous thought experiment as an elaborate metaphor for love and romance.

Obviously, I have dropped my number at this point.

You text right away. Turns out the quantum thought experiment in my play was based in large part on a principle that you studied. You also ask me to drinks. ALSO TURNS OUT that that that very same principle (entanglement) was presented by one of my actors during the research phases of my piece. I send you a picture lest you think I was pandering.

We jump into logistics. You’re busy. I’m busy. GOOD. I now know I can’t do things with people who aren’t busy. I don’t know what the rest of the Hinge world is like, but I’m noticing that lots of people just seem to be “around.” I am not around.

We find an AM date time. I’m flying out that same night after rehearsal, so I say I’ll have a carry-on bag, and you are flying out the next day, but you’ll have a guitar because you’re on your way to practice. Birds of a feather.

Normally I thank Boys for looking like their photo. But this is an extra special “what are the odds” moment. Which given our flights of physics fancy–well, let’s be honest, flights for me, but just every day patter for you–the odds are high, I guess.

I get on the subway. Plan is to check my makeup and fix my hair.

I look around for a place to sit.

Doors haven’t even closed yet…

I see a guitar case.

I look up.

You’re looking at me.

We both go: HEY.

So we ride the subway up. We talk about my plays and your defense during which you wore a cloak and used a dagger instead of a laser pointer. When I describe my play, you ask me if I’ve read Arcadia by Tom Stoppard which you quoted in your defense… I mean. Hello, gorgeous. And, yes, I’ve read it, and the pope is Catholic. In my explanation, I start to give spoilers from my play, and you ask me not to. You’d like to read it. You are the second boy to immediately engage with my work right off the bat. (For those of you keeping score, Boy 2 attended one of my pieces on the first date. I guess Boy 4 engaged in a healthy Google search. Boy 5 googled afterwards.)

I ask you about black holes and your research… we get into what you call modeling and I call metonyms (a literary term you were not familiar with). I also meta-date and say how lovely it is to have so much content between us and ask do other women engage with you on this? You say, no, they usually say “I was so bad at physics” but that you just use it as an opportunity to ask them questions and try to learn something.

Learning, people. Learning people. Learning learning people.

By now we’re on to gravity in other universes. And criticizing academic papers (or quite frankly, any writing at all) that lacks a sense of humor. I’m curious to talk about quantum stuff in my play, but it would be a spoiler, so we just talk about it abstractly. Besides, “reality is quantum” or so you say. We spend a while on the Sleeping Beauty problem, and we realize you’re late. I walk you. At the door, you say you’d like to see me again… if I want to see you again, you add awkwardly.

Boy 6, I want to thank you:

We never got around to the question of intelligence, but whatever you are, you seem to be a brilliant, kind creature obsessed with truth. And, ironically, when I asked how you got into physics, you said you just never outgrew the questions kids ask.
The passion with which you text matches the passion with which you talk. I don’t mean the quips and the flirting. I mean the actual content. There’s lots of sweet-nothing dialogue out there via text. I sometimes feel uncomfortable in monologue though… you can monologue and dialogue.
I’m feeling a little bit sheepish asking you questions about physics. Unlike yours, my work is meant to be at least somewhat accessible by definition; you never made me feel dumb.

Boy 6, I would go on another date with you. I know this is already an excellent meeting of minds. Let’s see what else meets. To quote your defense and Stoppard… “it’s the wanting to know that makes us matter.”

UPDATE: That night you text, hoping my flight was all right and would I text and send you my play if I’d still like to hang out.

I explain that sending my play is more vulnerability than nudity, but sure. And, of course, we’re hanging out! We hadn’t even discussed the nature of intelligence yet.

Boy 4: Well, Weller, Wellest Date

Oh god.

Boy 4.

I really like you.

It’s a problem.

So, you clicked on me first, Boy 4, and you chose one of the funny pictures on my profile rather than one of my attempts at seduction. I accepted your click, and so we were matched. Then you asked me how my week was. This all happened almost immediately which is always serendipitous. If someone clicks you, and you click them right back, and you both just happen to be fucking around on Hinge, it’s great because the little I-like-your-picture-and-you-like-mine pheromones are still tingling!

You just had a birthday/adult bar mitzvah which is super adorable. We discussed bar/bat mitzvah themes. Mine was fairy-tale. As a feminist, all I can say in hindsight is… kill me now. Yours was film-themed. We discussed the troubling bits of The Little Mermaid… good god, woman… speaking of Hinge… how on earth (or on the sea) can you give up your voice if you hope to seduce a man? Bad deal. I had mentioned my show, and then I asked you about your job as a public defender for a company that I had actually recently learned about from Boy 2, incidentally. Dating is learning, people. Also, dating is learning people. Also, punctuation is important. But I digress. Then you tease me for knowing the specifics of your job because that would have required a google search! Which I hadn’t (yet)! I protest, “I haven’t googled you… yet,” and you answer in the best way that you’ve already googled me and make specific mention of a video you found that made you laugh. Hot tip for any guy who wants to literally do anything with me: say I’m funny. That works even better than saying I’m pretty. Infinitely better, actually. So I promptly googled you, and you have a video up. This is rare. Most non-artists don’t have video up. I explain to you how wonderful this is, and you explain to me that the other guy in the video talked shit about #metoo, so now I really like you even more. You then compliment my work in detail, mentioning Mike Birbiglia and Philip Roth. We’re off to the races, Boy 4. Now we’re discussing Goodbye, Columbus, and you’re recommending American Pastoral.

So even though Boy 2 had alerted me about not dropping my number so easily, I can’t help myself. I say “hey ########### if that’s easier than this delightful app.” And you text immediately! Saying that you were about to do the same… I mean. Swoon.

The texting continues briefly, and then you’re off to bed ’cause you’re a “square” who has to be up early. However, the next day, you’re sick! So, you’re just texting me things from your sickbed. Asking about the neighborhood I live in. Talking to me about the movies you like. One more day goes by, and you cut right to the chase… “So when are we gonna meet up?”

The days in the future that I offer don’t work, and after some back and forth, you say, could I convince you to get a coffee like now… basically? Because you’re sick and have AM availability you don’t normally have. And for some reason I say yes, put on a denim skirt and some earrings and head to your neighborhood deli for a morning coffee date before you go back to napping, and I go to a doctor’s appointment.

I’m early because of magical train timing, and you rap on the glass when you get there ’cause you recognize me. Good.

Boy 4, you are cuter than your pictures. I am immediately attracted.

Maybe you are nervous or sick, I’m not sure. But when you first speak, your voice is higher than in the video I saw, but then it settles.

You get a coffee; I already have mine. You ask about the book I’m reading… Another Country. You talk compellingly about your job. We discuss the intricacies and complexities. You tell me about annoying clients. It’s funny. You ask me about what I do, and you engage with it. We get into questions of Jewish day schools (how did we both end up at them? Despite not being super-Jews) and the SAT scandal (are some kids inherently smarter? I don’t believe so) and also documentaries like Going Clear (objectivity and rigor vs. a flashy expose) and even come round to Bojack Horseman (which we both agree is one of the best written shows of all time). Honestly, I’m having trouble remembering the exact subjects of conversation because it just, you know, flowed. You also sort of put your feet on my chair. You are tall, so maybe that’s why, and you never touch me, but your body language is quite… directional? Not in a player way, but in a sort of geeky, tall human way. Although sometimes those geeks are playing the biggest games SO WHAT DO I KNOW. I had to check the clock to make sure I wasn’t late to the doctor, and I was already late. You walked me to the subway, wished me luck, and said we should get together when we’re “weller.” Weller? You go, yeah, I think I said weller? Anyway! Awkward first date hug.

Boy 4, I want to thank you.

Well, I guess that’s how it feels to be instantly attracted to someone. Excellent conversation, and I already really want to kiss you.
Way to care. WAY TO CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU DO. I fucking love it.
I have nothing to say. I want to see you again. I am wondering if you will text me tomorrow.
Did I mention I like you? Thanks for being likeable.

Boy 4, I would go on another date with you. I would see a morning movie with you and sneak in snacks. I would build an IKEA dresser with you. I want to know the inside of your mouth.

UPDATE: You text me. I die.

Boy 4, you currently hold the record for quickest text message turnaround. You text me that afternoon (so about four hours later), following up about my doctor’s appointment. We sort of spend the rest of the day intermittently texting about what you’re doing sick… and then when I mentioned that I signed up for Hinge recently, you ask me about my relationship history basically. I sort of give you shit for texting a question that should be asked in person; you apologize that you didn’t mean to pry. So, I give a brief answer, and you give a long answer, sharing that you’ve been a serial monogamist for a long time. #metoo, Boy 4, #metoo. We commiserate. I mention that I didn’t want to keep dating in my community either, and you say, oh, so it’s not a con that I’m not a thespian? And I say on the contrary! Active plus! It’s sexy! I ask the reciprocal question, and you say my being an artist is a turn-on.

And then you say you’ve never dated an artist and that your stereotype is that they’re sexually liberated. True or false?

Now I’m walking into a show when you text this, so I don’t see it. In the lull, you follow up with an apology if that sounded pervy.

Hmmmm… how do I answer this question, Boy 4? (<— I literally said that as the preamble to my response). I don’t think you’re pervy though suddenly, maybe I’m feeling a touch fetishized? Although I did use the word “sexy,” so I suppose I’m the one who opened us up to more graphic conversation? So, I use humor. I explain that I have no point of comparison to lawyer sex (de jure or de facto, haha) and that artists span the spectrum… you agree and say so do lawyers (and that you are also sexually liberated). So I counter and say I think really passionate and creative people are the best lays, regardless of profession. You also asked me how the show I saw was. So, we’re not solely having a veiled styles of sex conversation. But mostly we’re having a veiled styles of sex conversations. You agree with my assessment of lays and claim that actors are just more “expressive.”

And then you text:

Maybe we’ll both have the opportunity to find out the public defenders vs actor question one day.

(followed by that dorky emoji who’s smiling like a little ass with the black boxy glasses on)

I basically can’t breathe at this point.

So I text…

I’m doing my show soon, but damn who’s being expressive now?

Not so square.

You haha, make an innocent Jewish boy joke, and wish me luck with the show. I’m invested, Boy 4, so of course I’m over-analyzing now…. So, I’m confused by the sudden foray into past relationships and sex… is this meant to indicate short- or long-term interest? Readers, feel free to weigh in.

Boy 4, you get a second round of gratitude because this all happened so fast.

Thank you for leaning in and scheduling quickly! Efficient. I like it.
Now all the text message banter feels so earned. Thank you for earning it by meeting up because now I can neurose and dissect your text messages in the typical infatuated fashion.